


breathe me

by writingthepostcard



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: All about Liam, Body Image, Insecurity, Liam!Centric, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, and protective, liam is insecure, zayn is supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-07
Updated: 2012-12-07
Packaged: 2017-11-20 12:45:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/585564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingthepostcard/pseuds/writingthepostcard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or the one where Liam has no one else to blame but himself and tries not to complain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	breathe me

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely Liam!Centric. I haven't seen many fics like this and I thought I would give it a go. A particular .gif inspired me to write this fic: it's one of the boys playing soccer in a park, and Liam says, "It's alright boys. I went for it. I believed in myself like you said." I'd link it but I don't know how (whoops). 
> 
> Enjoy the fic :) I had a blast writing it and my beta and I surely went through an emotional roller coaster. x

Liam is the guy that everyone seems to overlook.

He can never think of a time in which he was picked first, or even _second_ , when in the playground and they were picking teams for football. When doing things that involved being in pairs or groups, he usually hung back and let others take the lead, letting himself disappear.  He was never seen as anything other than ordinary, never passing the mark of ‘average’ but never going underneath the line of ‘dull’. No, Liam is simply…there.

One could argue that being picked out of hundreds of thousands of hopefuls to be a contestant on the X Factor would be the exception; but even then, Liam sees this as a fluke—because while he was picked to be on the X Factor, he also has to share his glory with four other boys.

His time to shine by himself was stripped away from him in almost a blink of an eye. And now, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get the opportunity to do that again.

Of course, he’d never complain about it. Not one bit. Because not only does he love the boys he likes to call his brothers, he’s also not the type of person to complain. Once he’s in a situation, he stays there. He finds the good in it even if it’s mostly filled with bad; even if his management continues to get on his case about every single move he makes, even if the other boys tend to take the spotlight and get more of the attention than he does. Even then, he won’t complain; why would he when he gets to be a part of the greatest boy band in the universe, with his best mates?

People would call Liam selfish, with being in a universally popular boy band and also having Danielle Peazer to call his girlfriend. But that’s also an exception—she was picked for him. Sure, they got on during X Factor rehearsals, and sure, she was quite beautiful, but he knew he wasn’t her first choice. He knew she had always been eyeing other contestants before her orbs landed on him. He knew she would much rather be fucking someone like Olly Murs before she even considered doing anything remotely sexual with an amateur like himself.

Yet still, he took it in stride. When his management told him to ask her out, he did, and she had said yes. Two years later, they were still dating. Sure, there had been moments when he thought she was being unfaithful, and sure, there had been times when he was almost positive she was going to dump him for whatever reason she had decided that day. But he always looked to the good in those times of bad, even if the reason she broke up with him was because of infidelity, even then, he would always seek the positive.

So when the time came that Danielle did come to his home and break up with him, he wasn’t too surprised, though he was at the same time. Because even though he had those negative thoughts and even though he knew he wasn’t Danielle’s first, he realized he wasn’t her last like he thought he was going to be.

And that hurt more than he originally anticipated.

With all of his positive thoughts about people and situations and by taking everything as they came he thought he had protected himself from being hurt. Or so he thought.

That’s why when he started crying on the floor of the bathroom, it scared him. He thought he had been protected--he thought he was the strongest protection he could get, and suddenly it was like everything he had ever thought about himself and taught about himself was a lie.

He let himself hear his sobs echo through the bathroom for a few more moments before he hears a knock on his door.

He contemplated a moment before he decided to wipe his tears and get up from the floor. After all, maybe the person at the door would be exactly what he needed to get him out of his slump.

It’s Zayn. And Liam couldn’t imagine a better person to be there with him in that moment.

Zayn sees Liam’s eyes and he frowns. He cups Liam’s cheek with his hand, and it feels so nice.

He just looks understandingly at Liam and sighs knowingly, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Liam shakes his head, but Zayn holds out his arms and Liam folds into them. He lets the smell of cigarettes and cologne fill him and Zayn is so soft and warm that he finds himself never wanting to leave this cocoon they’ve built.

He’s never let himself think about it before, but he realizes that this is why he loves Zayn, and why most times he favors Zayn over everyone else. Zayn just knows him. And he doesn’t ask many questions which Liam really likes. Especially in times like these when he’s really sad.  And all he wants is someone to take care of him.

~~

Liam smiles to himself as he throws on his favorite Converse and straightens out his t-shirt. He’s been so excited for this night for a while now—he and Niall had scored tickets to see Michael Buble live and get to go backstage to hang with him for a bit.

Just a silly perk of being in an internationally successful boy band.

He’s just about to call Paul to have a car go around and pick him up, but his mobile rings and it’s actually Niall.

“Hey mate!” Liam says excitedly, because even though Niall’s known to have a man-crush on Michael Buble, Liam has always admired his vocal range and talent. Plus, he was very happy to get out of his hotel room and have a night where he can just hang out with his best friend and forget about Danielle and work and fans and things that make him worry.

Niall is hesitant on the phone and Liam feels his stomach drop, “Er, hey mate. Listen, I need to tell you something.” Niall’s thick accent is even evident over the phone and Liam smiles because that’s one of his favorite things about Niall.

 “Sure, what is it?” Liam hopes it won’t take him long. The concert starts soon, and he doesn’t want to be late. And sure, maybe now is not the best time to be asking for a favor, but Liam isn’t going to start complaining. Especially not now.

“Well…you know Joanna? That girl I met the other day at the studio?”

Liam perks up. Yes! Joanna. She was a very nice girl. Liam remembers her because she offered him a piece of her chocolate bar. And anyone who offers him chocolate is good in his books. “Yes, I remember,” he says, “Why?”

He hears Niall laugh on the phone and Liam can’t help but grin. He’s always loved Niall’s laugh. “Well, she’s finally letting me take her out!”

“That’s great, Ni!” Liam said, genuinely feeling happy for the boy. Liam knows Niall has been trying hard to get Joanna to go on a date with him.

“Right! And that’s what I need to tell you. Joanna can only go out tonight…and she’s a big fan of Michael Buble, so I told her I would take her to the concert tonight.”

Liam shrugs. He knows it will be awkward with the three of them there, but he is really good at being invisible and not being too much of a bother.

“That’s okay,” Liam says, “I’ll be sure to stay out of your way tonight—“

Niall sighs, “No, Liam. I meant…I meant I am taking her, and she’s going to take your ticket.”

Liam is silent for a few moments until Niall says something, “Liam? Are you still there?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you…alright?”

And Liam doesn’t think he is. But he would never let Niall know that. Especially because he knows he will get over it eventually. It’s just a concert. And he knows Niall really wants to go with this girl. And sure, he really _does_ want to go, and yeah, Niall probably _shouldn’t_ be blowing him off.  But Liam knows that life isn’t always fair. And sometimes you have to sacrifice things for other people to be happy. And he doesn’t mind, not really.

“Yes.” Liam says automatically, “Yes of course, I am.”

Niall huffs into the phone, “Yeah, alright. Can you give your ticket to Paul so he can bring them to me?”

“Sure, Niall.”

“Thanks! I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow!”

“Yeah, have fun.”

They hang up and Liam looks at his phone in slight irritation. Why would Niall do that? They’ve had this planned for weeks!

And Liam thinks back to the conversation…and maybe he should have spoken up. Maybe he should have given into what he wanted instead of what someone else wanted. Maybe he should have made himself happy instead of making others happy.

Liam suddenly feels his stomach drop and his heart race, and he realizes that he couldn’t have done that. And he feels terribly guilty for even having that thought. Niall would have been upset, and Niall might have even gotten mad at Liam. That’s the last thing Liam wants. He doesn’t want anyone to be mad at him. He just loves everyone and wants everyone to be happy.

Liam scowls at himself for even considering the thought of saying no to Niall. How could he? He was his best friend and best friends did stuff like this for each other. And it made Niall smile. That’s all Liam wants.

He knows it’s wrong but he also doesn’t want to complain. He looks on the bright side—Niall would probably have more fun at the concert than he would anyway. And who knows, maybe Joanna is ‘the one’ for Niall. Maybe she’s the girl Niall’s going to marry. Liam would feel horrible if he got in the way of that.

And besides, Danielle might be performing alongside Michael Buble, and though he knows Niall invited him first, he does like Joanna, so he really doesn’t mind that Niall is taking her instead.

Liam makes the arrangements so that Paul brings his ticket to Niall, and once he’s finished, he plops down onto his bed, contemplating what he is going to do for the rest of the night.

“I could always do a Twitcam,” He says out loud. But then he shakes that idea away; he’s been talking about this concert on Twitter for the past few days, and while the fans will somehow figure out that he never attended, he doesn’t want to have thousands of people ask him why he isn’t there all at once. He knows it will be overwhelming for him and he doesn’t want to have to deal with it.

He thinks about calling Louis and Harry, but he decides against that too. Because he really doesn’t feel like being the third wheel. Louis and Harry will never admit to it but when they are together they are in their own little world and though Liam thinks it’s cute, he doesn’t feel like being reminded that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and that his best friend just ditched him to hang out with another girl.

And if he goes to hang out with them, he might start thinking negatively and he doesn’t want that.

Then Liam starts to think about Zayn; but he knows that Zayn is probably really busy like he always is—maybe even getting another tattoo—and he doesn’t want to bother him.

But then Liam can’t help but wish Zayn was there with him, hugging him, and telling him everything was going to be okay.

He lets this thought take over and he’s reaching for his phone, dialing Zayn’s number that he has memorized by heart before he even knows it.

“Liam?” He hears Zayn’s voice on the other end and Liam feels nervous. Almost like he shouldn’t be calling Zayn and that he should leave him alone.

“Hi. Are you busy?” He says tentatively.

He laughs on the end, “Never for you!  What are you up to right now? Want me to come over?”

Liam feels relief flood through him, “Sure, yeah, I’m in my room.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

There’s a click on Zayn’s end and Liam hangs up his phone and places it on his night table. He doesn’t feel so bad for asking Zayn to come over after hearing how happy he sounded to do it.

Nineteen minutes later there’s a knock and it’s Zayn because Zayn is never late, at least when it comes to Liam. Once Liam opens the door Zayn swarms in with a pizza pie in his hands and his face completely lit up. When he turns to face Liam, however, his excitement falls and he frowns,

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

Liam shrugs, “Who says anything is wrong?”

Zayn gives him a look that says _oh come on do you think I’m stupid_ and Liam feels heat rush to his cheeks, “I can just tell. You’re my best friend.” A pause. “Does it have to do with Danielle?”

Liam shakes his head, “No.”

Zayn gives him a humored look, “Are Louis and Harry on your case about going out with them? I told them you wouldn’t go and I tried to get them to leave you alone—“

“No, that’s not it, either.” Liam says, but he’s finds it quite sweet that Zayn would do that for him. He knows they both have been up his butt about going to a club or a pub to get his mind off of things, but Liam hasn’t felt up to it. But that didn’t mean they gave up, either.

And he doesn’t mind. Not really.

“It’s really nothing. I’m just being stupid.”

Zayn sighs and places a hand on the back of Liam’s neck, and his hand is so cool against it and it gives Liam chills but he doesn’t want Zayn to take it away.

“Something’s really on your mind, isn’t it?” He asks softly.

Liam just shrugs again, admitting defeat because now he’s tired, and Zayn being so close to him is draining him but in a good way and he just wants the world to stop so he could stay like this forever, “I mean…I guess…for a little bit.”

“Why didn’t you call me sooner?” Zayn says knowingly, now letting his arm hang around Liam’s shoulders.

“I didn’t want to bother you.” Liam says sheepishly.

He looks at him. “You never bother me, Liam. I love spending time with you.”

Liam smiles and pulls Zayn slightly closer to him. He lets his fingers relax on his back and he wishes he could stay there forever.

“So,” Zayn says a bit awkwardly after a few moments, “What’s going on?”

Liam sighs and his shoulder sag as he remembers Niall blowing him off. He takes a deep breath and he explains what happens to Zayn. Liam is careful not to make Niall sound like a complete asshole, because Liam knows Niall didn’t mean to look like that. He was just trying to be happy. It’s more than Liam can say for himself, anyways. But he tells Zayn, and as he does so, Zayn grabs his hand and sits him down on the bed, making sure to bring the pizza with him.

Liam realizes he likes talking to Zayn more than he likes talking to the rest of the boys. Zayn listens to him, like, _really_ listens to him. He doesn’t try to make a joke like Louis does, or laugh at things that aren’t funny like Niall does, or get distracted by funny faces Louis is making at him like Harry does. He sits there and only pays attention to _Liam_. And it’s funny, because Liam had never thought anyone would ever pay attention to him when he wasn’t standing in a row of four other boys looking pretty and singing love songs.

But Zayn did, and it was something Liam wasn’t sure he had ever really experienced before.

Liam finally finishes telling Zayn, and he feels a lot better, better than he thought he would. He’s waiting for Zayn to say something—anything—but Zayn is just sitting there, looking at him.

He starts to feel uncomfortable and he grabs a slice of pizza to give him something to do while Zayn continued to look at him like he was something out of this world.

But finally, after a few moments, Zayn is suddenly struck out of his trance and he makes a disgruntled _humph_ sound and he narrows his eyes slightly,

“That was kind of shitty of him.” Zayn finally says.

Liam notices the dark look in Zayn’s eyes, but he shrugs and takes a bite of his pizza and tries to overlook it, just this once, “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. You have to know that’s not okay.” He retorts a bit harshly.

“I just want him to be happy.” Liam returns, blinking.

“So do I, but I know when things are right and when things are wrong. You know that, don’t you?”

Liam smiles a bit at Zayn and nods, and Zayn just gives him this adorable look and ruffles the top of his head.

Liam feels his chest flutter when Zayn’s hand reaches the back of his neck and he pulls him into a sideways hug. Liam loves hugging Zayn. It makes him feel safe and even though Liam knows he can protect himself from getting hurt knowing that Zayn is there makes him feel extra safe. Sometimes he thinks about Zayn and wishes he could have him all to himself. But then he feels bad for thinking that because he doesn’t want to take Zayn away from everyone else he loves.

Zayn lets go of Liam and he smiles down at him before they start talking about something else. Eventually, they just lay there and they still talk and laugh at stupid things and different things and everything.

And it’s right before Liam feels his eyelids getting heavy and his chest hurts from laughing that Zayn runs a finger up and down his arm,

“Hey Li?”

“Mmm?” He responds sleepily.

“I really don’t like that Niall did that to you.”

Liam sighs and shrugs, “I don’t mind.”

“I know, but, if I can help it, I’m going to make sure no one does that to you again, okay?”

He turns to face Liam and grips his arm hard enough to send jolts through him. Their eyes lock and Zayn nods, “I mean that.”

He says it with such earnest and honesty that it catches Liam off guard and all he can do is nod. Zayn blinks and kisses Liam on the forehead before turning off the light and falling asleep.

~~

“You’re too nice,” He says to him the next day.

Liam blinks at him and shrugs eventually, looking into his cup of tea, “I guess.” He says. And he doesn’t try to argue with Zayn because he knows he is just a little bit right. But what Zayn doesn’t know is that he doesn’t mind. Not really.

Zayn sighs, “Doesn’t that…bother you?”

Another shrug from Liam.

Zayn looks at him and Liam has a hard time meeting his eye. He’s not exactly sure why, because he has always been able to talk to Zayn about anything.

“I don’t think I’m _too_ nice,” Liam says softly, “I just don’t always see things negatively. I always look at the bright side of things. If I don’t do that, I think I might end up becoming sad all of the time.” A pause. “And besides,” He adds, “Everyone deserves kindness from someone else. I just like being that source of kindness.”

Zayn stares at him and Liam shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He is staring at Zayn and he is looking back at him and Liam now notices how dark Zayn’s eyes are. And how pretty they are. And how he thought someone was finally looking _at_ him and not _through_ him like almost everyone else did. Finally, Zayn leans back in his chair and shakes his head, a small smile on his lips, “You know Liam, there’s a special place in heaven for people like you.”

Liam smiles, taking in the compliment, and then taking in the fact that it’s being said by Zayn.

That just makes Liam smile harder. 

~~

Liam hates looking at himself in the mirror.

Because when he does, he pokes and prods his face.

Being in the spotlight gives Liam a boost of confidence all of the time; because if he is not being complimented by his own stylists and interviewers, the fans that wait outside his hotel will compliment him.

But when he is by himself, staring at himself in the mirror after a long shower, it gives him too much time to think about everything that is wrong with him. And it gives him time to think about why Danielle broke up with him. And then he thinks about everything he did wrong in the relationship. And then he goes back to thinking about everything that was wrong with _him_. He knows it’s a vicious paradoxical cycle, but he can’t help it.

First there is the mole on his neck. Then the dark circles underneath his eyes. The bushiness of his eyebrows. The worry lines that have grown on his forehead (caused by the boys, no doubt, among other things). In Liam’s mind, the list could go on and on.

Liam’s eyes fix themselves on the permanent marks of ink on the back of his arms and he smiles to himself. The tattoos on his arms are new, and he had never thought about them until he had actually sat in the chair and got it done. Harry had asked him to get one with him, and he really didn’t want to go by himself, and Liam didn’t think it was that big of a deal. He really liked them, because he got to pick out exactly what he wanted and how he wanted them done. And Liam realized that if there was anything he could have full control of on his body, it was a tattoo. He got to pick what he wanted and where he wanted it. He loved the marks on his body—it was the one thing about himself that he found to be utterly perfect because he had created it. He had the choice to make it whatever he wanted.

The other imperfections on his face were things he couldn’t control, and that was okay because he could live with that as long as he had one part of himself that he could call beautiful.  

It’s only when he is by himself that he has these thoughts. Because he knows he has to stay positive. If not for his own sanity, than for the others.

Unfortunately for Liam, one of the mornings he was examining himself in the mirror, he had been running a bit late for a meeting, and he had forgotten that he had given his spare key to Zayn. And he had also forgotten that he had left the bathroom door wide open for anyone with a spare key to walk in and see what Liam was seeing.

“Li?” Zayn’s voice came as he walked into the bathroom. Liam stood up straight and looked at Zayn in the mirror.

“’Ello.”

A pause. “What are you doing?”

Normally, if he were doing something ordinary, Liam would tell Zayn. Because he tells Zayn everything. But he can’t bring himself to look at Zayn, let alone speak to him. So Zayn repeats himself. And again, Liam says nothing. But his eyes are wide, and he’s almost scared.

Zayn eyes soften and he makes his way closer to Liam. He stands behind him and he smiles softly at him. Liam feels his heart thump in his chest when his eyes meet Zayn’s in the mirror, “What are you doing, Liam?”

“Nothing.” Liam says quickly. And he surprises himself with how easy the lie comes out.

“You’re not doing ‘nothing’, Liam. You were doing something.”

“Don’t worry about me, Zayn.” Liam says quietly, and he looks at himself in the mirror again. And his mole catches his attention again. He lets his finger poke it and he makes a face. And Zayn catches this.

“What’s wrong with your mole?”

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like _nothing_ to me.”

Liam doesn’t want to tell him. He still can’t bring himself to and he doesn’t know why. He knows Zayn is smart and will figure it out eventually, and Liam is okay with that.

He just doesn’t want to have to say it out loud. Because if he does, then Zayn will want to talk about it. And he knows Zayn will worry about him. And he really doesn’t want Zayn to worry. Especially about him. If he can keep everything in his own head, it would be a perfect world.

But Zayn is looking at him with this look he can’t really explain and he doesn’t want to. He just wants Zayn to read his mind and then nod his head and leave him alone like he normally would.

Zayn still looks at him and Liam sighs, because he hates disappointing people and he feels like he will disappoint Zayn if he doesn’t tell. And the last person he wants to disappoint is Zayn.

Maybe that’s the best way to describe how Zayn was looking at him: disappointed.

Liam frowns and plays with his hands, still not meeting Zayn’s gaze. Then he feels his hand on his shoulder and Liam feels his heart crumble into a million pieces.

“What’s the matter?”

“Everything.”

His voice is cracked and Zayn hums softly, “What d’you mean?”

“Everything is wrong.” Liam hears himself speak.

“Name one thing.”

“Me.” Liam says simply and Liam sees hurt in Zayn’s eyes. And that hurts a lot worse than disappointment.

Zayn stands behind Liam and lets his hands touch his face. His thumb rolls over Liam’s cheek and Liam closes his eyes, not letting himself look in the mirror.

“I see nothing wrong with you.”

“That’s because you are not looking.” Liam protests.

Zayn sighed. “I can see just fine. You are perfect.” He says simply.

“You’re just saying that to be nice.”

Zayn chuckled and kisses Liam on the cheek, “I said it because I _am_ nice, but also because it’s the truth. You know I can’t lie for shit.”

Liam thinks Zayn might be trying to make a small joke—that he’s taking this lightly. But he’s glad he is, because he knows Zayn, and he really can’t lie for shit. And that makes Liam feel a little bit better.

~~

It’s almost three in the morning when there is a banging on Liam’s hotel room door. He’s already awake, but he’s surprised that someone wants to talk to him this late at night. It must be something important, and Liam figures he would be the last person anyone would want to talk to about important stuff.

He gets up and opens the door, which reveals a red and teary-eyed Niall.

“Niall—?“

“Joanna broke up with me.” Niall says harshly, his voice trembling.

Liam deadpans and Niall starts to cry right in the hallway. Liam grabs his shoulder and ushers him into the room, looking around the hall to make sure no one else was there. Lord knows the last thing One Direction wants is a picture of one of its band members crying in the middle of a hotel at three in the morning.

Once inside, Niall heads towards the bed and flops onto it face first and lets out a loud groan. Liam chuckles slightly and sits next to him, rubbing his back soothingly.

“What happened?” Liam asks.

Niall turns around and lays on his back, his eyes still red but he’s no longer crying, “Long story short—she cheated on me with someone from her Uni, and told me she was using me to get ahead in her newly found modeling career.”

Liam winced. Why would Joanna do that? She was so nice to him when they had met, and Liam would never have pegged Joanna to be a gold-digger.

“She really did that?” Liam asked.

“She really did. Whatta cunt.”

Liam frowned, “Well that’s not very nice.” Liam paused while Niall heaved another heavy sigh, “Maybe this is a good thing. Like a blessing in disguise. Maybe breaking up with Joanna will open another door to a new and better person for you to date!”

At this Niall scoffed, “Sound a bit like Zayn there, mate.”

Liam blushed but kept his eyes on Niall, “I’m serious.”

Niall patted him on the shoulder, “I know. That’s why I love ya. But I didn’t just come here to cry on your shoulder.”

Liam cocked his head to the side and Niall continued, “I shouldn’t have taken Joanna to that Michael Buble concert. I should have seen this coming. Management just about chewed my ass out for taking her and told me I needed to apologize to you. I know you really wanted to go and all but I really wanted to take Joanna because I wanted her to like me. But asking you to forgo your ticket just for a girl I wanted wasn’t very fair of me. So, I’m sorry about that.”

Liam nodded but realized that Niall’s apology was probably Management putting words into his head for him to repeat. And this made Liam sad, but at the same time, he wasn’t going to complain about it. At least Niall came to him. That was something.                                                                                                                                                             

“You don’t need to apologize. Anyone would have done the same thing you did if it was for someone they really cared about.” Liam says.

Niall shrugs and sniffs, “I guess.” A pause. “Breakups suck.”

Liam chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, a picture of Danielle entering his mind, “Yeah, tell me about it.”

Niall looks at Liam in slight understanding, “Yeah, mine was pretty bad though—worse than yours I reckon. I did so much for her. Took her to so many places…and she just used me! Who does that?”

Liam nodded, realizing that while Niall and Joanna had something special, he and Danielle had so much more. And they were together for a lot longer than Niall and Joanna. Liam knew Niall didn’t mean to make his relationship with Danielle sound like it wasn’t important. He was just upset, is all. And while Liam wanted to bring it up he decided against it. Because he didn’t want to complain.

“Yeah, that wasn’t very nice of her.” Liam finally says.

“Damn right it wasn’t.” Niall paused and closed his eyes, “Do you think I could stay here tonight?”

“Sure, but why?”

Niall shrugged, “I don’t want to sleep alone, and you are staying just two doors down. Everyone else is on a different floor.”

Liam sighs, trying to push the thought that Niall is only staying with him out of convenience out of his mind, and nods again, “Yeah, no problem.”

Niall smiles, “You’re so nice Liam. You never say no.”

And Liam realizes, as he turns off the lights and Niall’s snores are louder than the New York City traffic outside, that maybe he should’ve just said no.

~~

Liam has never actually liked a boy before.

But he’s seen other boys like boys, and he’s perfectly fine with that. In fact, sometimes, he thinks boys who like boys are happier than boys who like girls.

Like Louis and Harry. Liam still doesn’t know what exactly Louis and Harry are in terms of their relationship. Sometimes he thinks they are secretly dating by the way they act around each other. Sometimes he thinks that they could only be friends, because friends as close as they all were just can’t possibly ever get together…it would be weird!

Then Liam thinks about all of the times Harry and Louis disappear together for hours on end, and their disheveled looks when they come back, and Liam assumes that they are doing naughty things together. So Liam decides not to ask questions; if they are happy, he is happy, and that’s really all that matters.

But sometimes Liam looks at Louis and Harry, and he wishes that he could have someone in the band he was close to…in that way. And he doesn’t know which way that even is but all he does know is that he knows Louis and Harry feel _something_ when they are together, and Liam wants to feel that _something_ too.

And Liam sometimes thinks he feels that way with Zayn, because they have fun together. Because Zayn is nice to Liam, and Zayn holds his hand when he’s feeling nervous, and he runs his fingers through his hair and it feels so nice.

But then Liam really thinks about it, and he realizes that there is no way Zayn thinks about Liam the way Liam thinks about Zayn. No way. There are so many things wrong with Liam, that there’s no way anyone, let alone Zayn, could love him or want him the way he sometimes thinks he wants Zayn.

And he’s okay with that. As always, he just wants Zayn to be happy, and Liam sometimes thinks he may not be that person to make him happy. And that makes Liam sad. Because he is alone, and he just wants someone. And he wants that person to be Zayn, but he knows Zayn doesn’t want him. And that makes Liam feel lonely.

He ponders about Zayn a lot, even more so since he and Danielle broke up. And it’s on the tour bus one day that Liam’s sitting on a couch looking out the window thinking about him when Louis and Harry stumble onto the bus and occupy the couch across from Liam.

Liam doesn’t mind when they don’t really notice he’s in the room—that their eyes are only on each other—because they look so stupidly happy that Liam doesn’t want to interrupt them, even if he was there first. His eyes leave the window and become fixated on Harry and Louis, and suddenly his heart aches. Because they really don’t realize he’s sitting right across from them.

He continues to watch them. They are just talking, but Louis’ legs are hanging over Harry’s and his hand is caressing his cheek and Harry is just blushing like mad and it’s too cute that Liam has to turn away. His mind immediately drifts from how cute Louis and Harry look to how much he wants him and Zayn to look that way. He wants what Louis and Harry have and he wants it with Zayn.

The thought doesn’t really scare him as much as it should, because with Zayn nothing is scary. Zayn makes him feel safe. And he makes him feel so many different things and things he now knows Danielle didn’t make him feel.

Liam knows he shouldn’t get his hopes up, and he knows that it’s stupid to be even thinking about Zayn as more than a friend. Because he knows he could never have what Louis and Harry have. He just knows it. Plus, Liam doesn’t know if Zayn likes boys. And to be honest, Liam doesn’t even know if _he_ likes boys…he just knows he likes Zayn. And all of this confuses Liam, but he likes to think about it, even though he knows he shouldn’t, because there is a little spark of hope in Liam that he doesn’t want to let go of. Even though he knows he should. He knows how to protect himself now. Even if it meant protecting himself from Zayn, he knows he can do it. He won’t get hurt. He just won’t.

And if not getting hurt means not being with Zayn, then maybe Liam will just have to do that. Because in reality, Liam knows Zayn would never want him like that, anyway.

He turns back to Louis and Harry, and now Louis is ruffling Harry’s hair, and just seeing that sparks something in Liam. Because the way Harry looks at Louis is the way Liam looks at Zayn. And the way Louis touches Harry’s cheek is the way Zayn touches Liam’s arm. And Louis’ fingers through Harry’s hair make Liam deadpan—because this has happened to him before--and his heart flutters faster for a fraction of a second, and his stomach drops, and he mutters a low, “oh.”

And maybe Liam was right…maybe he couldn’t have something like Louis and Harry have…because it was something he and Zayn already had.

~~

They are all out at dinner one night when Liam sees that Zayn meant what he said the night of the Michael Buble concert.

They were all laughing and joking like they normally do—Zayn was abnormally quiet and Liam was abnormally not, so the dynamic was different.

He doesn’t know how or why the topic of Danielle came up, but Liam is giggling still (and it might have been the champagne and the lack of kidney that made him unaware, but he wasn’t going to complain…especially not when everyone was having a good time) and he feels Zayn tense up next to him at her name. But Harry is smiling brilliantly at Liam, and he can feel his heart expand—it makes him feel so loved.

“You know Liam, I’m glad you’re single!” Harry exclaims, letting his arm look around Louis’ neck. Liam can tell he’s very but he’s feeling a little buzzed too so the thought leaves him as fast as it comes.

“Why’s that?” Liam asks.

Harry continues to laugh and Niall joins in too, while Louis just shrugs and takes another swig of his beer. He’s older, Liam thinks, he doesn’t need to get super drunk like the rest of us.

“Because!” Harry says, “I like single Liam. Single Liam drinks.” He points to the beverage in Liam’s hands.

Liam wants to say something—anything—to keep this conversation going. But he just smiles and chuckles a bit, not really knowing what to say. He feels Zayn next to him, and that just makes him smile harder. He loves this. He loves getting a sense of approval from Harry and the boys, and he loves sitting next to Zayn.

Harry places his drink on the table and leans forward towards Liam. Anyone could tell Harry is beyond drunk, but Liam doesn’t mind. To Liam, he’s still the same Harry.

“You know Liam, Danielle is better off without you” Harry’s eyes are so glazed over but Liam is stunned and his cheeks are on fire. But he doesn’t want to say anything. “She’s too hot, and you’re…you’re just _Liam_. Plain ol’ Liam. You need a plain ol’ girl. A simple girl, Liam. Danielle isn’t for you!” Harry’s laughing again and the other boys join in. Liam finds himself frowning a bit, because that is not very nice of Harry to say, but Louis knocks his shoulder and he’s smiling again, though half-heartedly.

He knows what Harry said isn’t right at all. And he knows it’s not true. He doesn’t want to believe that it’s true. But he decides to let it go, because he doesn’t want to start a fight with a drunk Harry. And he knows that’s all it is—Harry having a bit of drunk talk. He knows Harry will apologize or something later. And even if he doesn’t, Liam wouldn’t mind. He knows somewhere deep down Harry doesn’t really mean it.

He feels Zayn tense up next to him, and Liam looks over to see Zayn gripping his drink so tightly that his knuckles are turning white. Liam notices he’s glaring darkly at Harry, who barely seems to notice, and Liam lightly touches his arm,

“Ey, mate, you alright?” He asks, in a low whisper, though he knows no one is paying a spat of attention to him as Niall is now showing everyone at the table how to balance a spoon on his nose.

Zayn’s head snaps and he faces him, his eyes still cold. Liam is taken aback because he doesn’t know what’s wrong and it looks like Zayn is mad at him. And that’s the last thing he wants.

“What’s the matter?” He asks.

“Nothing.” Zayn says coldly.

Liam fidgets with the drink in his hands and his voice is small, “A—Are you mad at me?”

Zayn just stares at him and then his eyes fix to Harry, who is now licking Louis’ cheek, and he sighs, “No, Liam. I’m not.” And Liam can see a slight hint of worry in his eyes, so he nods and Zayn takes a long sip of his drink.

“You promise?”

Zayn looks at him and nods, and Liam decides to accept it. The rest of the dinner goes on and its fine, except Liam can feel Zayn push himself away from him as the night goes on, and all Liam wants to do is figure out what’s wrong but he knows Zayn won’t tell him if he doesn’t want to. When Niall asks if Zayn is alright, he replies with a simple, “I’m fine,” and he even joins in on the conversation for a little while before he falls silent again and is shooting daggers at Harry…not that he notices.

Liam desperately wants to ask Zayn what’s wrong, but by the time they leave the restaurant, Zayn seems okay, and he even puts his arm around Niall right before they reach the car. They all pile in (well, Harry _falls_ in) and Zayn ends up plopping down next to Liam. And Liam thinks that maybe Zayn will talk to him since he seems happier than before he got in the car.

But he’s silent all the way home, and Liam feels helpless.

~~

They get out of the car and Liam expects Zayn to go to his own room, but he follows Liam to his, and they walk in silence. Liam doesn’t know what to do or say, so he stays silent until he gets to his room. But it’s not him who breaks the silence—it’s Zayn.

“Why did you let him say that?” He asks as Liam opens the door to his room.

Liam shoots him a confused look, “Let _who_ say _what_?”

“Harry. About Danielle. Why did you let him say that she could do better than you? Why?”

Liam looks down and his cheeks flush red. He now sees that this is why Zayn was so silent in the car. “Well…I like to think it was a joke. But if it wasn’t, it is a bit true—“ He’s stammering and he’s getting more nervous.

Zayn barks a laugh. But Liam doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to laugh along with him. “How can you say that? What Harry said was mean, Liam. And it was disrespectful to you. Don’t you see that?”

Liam shrugs and gives Zayn a half-smile. “I don’t want to complain—“

At this Zayn stomps his foot and throws his hands in the air. “Jesus Liam, you should! I want you to complain! You are allowed to, you know. I want you to talk about all of the shitty things in your life that you didn’t deserve. And I want you to get mad about them. And I want you to cry and feel like you were wronged. Because you were, and you _didn’t_ deserve any of it, Liam. Why do you always let people walk all over you? Why do you always give people the benefit of the doubt—like Danielle! What she did, Liam, was so fucked up it makes all of the things I’ve done in my life look like a beautiful piece of art. And yet you stand there and criticize yourself for nothing. _Nothing_ , Liam. God. I—“

He stops talking now and Liam feels bad that it’s gotten this far. He feels as though he should have seen this coming. And then he feels sorry for Zayn, because now he’s breathing heavy and there are tears in his eyes and Liam never meant to make him cry.

“I’m sorry—“

“No.” Zayn demands, letting tears fall down his cheeks, “No. You are not allowed to be sorry. You’re _done_ being sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for, Liam. You’ve never done anything wrong! Don’t you see?”

Liam shakes his head with his eyes wide, and Zayn grips his shoulders hard. “You, Liam, _god damnit_ , you are so perfect. And I love you. And I hate watching you look at yourself and tell yourself there a million things wrong with you when I don’t see _one_.”

Liam blushes and feels a bubbling up in his chest. And he doesn’t like that. It reminds him of the time he was crying in the bathroom over Danielle—something he promised himself he would never do again.

They are silent for a few moments, and Zayn’s grip lightens and his hands are now in Liam’s, and he doesn’t mind it. Not one bit. Liam wants to hold them forever.

“Liam,” Zayn says shakily, “Please say something.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Whatever you want.”

Liam sighs. There are a lot of things he wants to say, like; “I’m sorry.” Because he is. Or, “I love you, too.” Because he does. So much. Or, “I don’t know why I do this.” Because he really doesn’t. And he doesn’t know how to fix it.

He looks up at Zayn finally, and his eyes shine, “You promise not to get mad at me?”

“I could never be mad at you, Liam.”

“I’m sorry—“

“Liam, I told you to stop being sorry.”

“—let me finish. I’m sorry you’ve been worrying about me. I’m sorry I let people walk all over me and treat me bad. I’m so sorry you’re crying. That’s the last thing I wanted because you are the last person I wanted to see cry. I don’t know why I am the way I am. But that’s how it is. I can’t help it but it’s just how I think. I try to be positive for everyone. I try not to complain so I stay out of people’s way because that’s how I think people want me to be. Sometimes I think it’s better if I just become invisible then I won’t have to fuck up, or get hurt. And sometimes I feel like this band would be better off without me, because a lot of people just push me to the side anyway…besides you. I’m sorry I think this way, Zayn. I’m really sorry—“

Liam pauses to let his brain catch up with his heart, and he doesn’t realize what’s happening until his chest starts to hurt and he lets out a loud choking sound. And Zayn is suddenly there, with both arms around him, cradling him in his chest and just holding him. Liam doesn’t want to cry because he doesn’t want Zayn to worry and he’s trying really hard to hold it in… but Zayn is rocking him back and forth and he just can’t hold it in anymore so he lets the tears fall from his eyes.

“I’ve got you, Liam.” Zayn coos.

“I—I shouldn’t be crying. This—this is stupid.”

“Why?” Zayn asks.

“B—because I have a great life. I have nothing to complain about.”

Zayn traces patters along Liam’s back and Liam sighs comfortably, “We do have a great life. But just because we do doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to be human. You can’t be a superhero, Liam. Everyone gets sad sometimes. And we all have flaws. Yours are just what make you beautiful.”

Liam snorted but his breath caught in his throat. “You think I’m beautiful?”

Zayn chuckled lightly, “I always have, Liam.”

Liam scoffs at this because he doesn’t believe him. Because if he doesn’t think he’s beautiful then who else is going to?

But then Zayn sighs heavily and rubs his back soothingly. Liam can feel his lips right on his neck. And his words come out in a breathy whisper, sending shivers down Liam’s spine,

“And I always will.”


End file.
